Idk why I keep getting sad over people that don’t give a shit about me.
One of those days when it feels like nothing will ever be right, like everything you’ve ever done in life was a fail. like you will never be successful no matter how hard you try. like no one cares. why? because it’s one of those days where you realize how much you’ve done for people, but all you have gotten in return is for them to turn out fake liars who never really were your friends in the first place. why is the world like this? why can’t people just care about one another, even as human beings if not friends? some days, I feel so out of place in this world, as if I don’t belong. I care too much about people, and am the type of person that once I care about someone, I will move mountains to make them happy. I will drop anything and everything to be with that person and to help that person out if they need me, no matter what time of day or night it is or what other priorities I have at the moment. And I honestly don’t want anything in return. I only want that person to be honest with me and not lie. Don’t be fake. But why is it so hard to find someone like that nowadays? Or am I just looking in all the wrong places?
Days like today, I feel as if I’M the one doing everything wrong because I have lost SO many people in this past semester. Not just any people though: people that I thought were my best friends, people who I thought would be there for me by my side, every single step of the way no matter what happens. Turns out that these people never really were by my side to begin with. Two girls that I thought were really good friends, my best friend since over 8 years.
And the boy that I spent two whole fucking years with believing and telling myself that he really does care about me when in reality, all the clues were trying to tell me that he was not the right one for me. Every single sign was telling me that was not love, it just felt like it because that is all I have known, but I did not want to listen. But then, there is a certain point when it hits you, like a slap on the face, a blow that shreds your heart into a million pieces, and that is when you realize how much you have been lying to yourself all along. And that is when you begin to regret every decision you have made regarding him, you hate yourself for how much you have given up and how much you have screwed yourself over for this one guy, simply because you thought that his abuse was love. Simply because that is all you have known, because you have been taught that abuse and violence go hand in hand with love.
But then, you see other couples, couples that are ACTUALLY happy, not just happy for the world to see but then miserable behind closed doors. And that is when you see that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, there is someone out there like that for you too. Someone who wants to see you happy, someone who would never imagine laying a hand on you, someone who is willing to take any risk and any chance to be with you. Someone who wants you for who you are, without trying to change you, and any change that they do try to make in you is for you and to make you a better version of yourself, not for their own selfish reasons. That someone who knows every little thing there is to know about you, good and bad, the ups and downs, mistakes, successes and failures, the tears and joys, and still want to be with you. That one person who accepts you for the person you are on the inside and not the person that you make people believe that you are by what you show to the world. They accept you, knowing that you have made mistakes, but also know that you are human and you are probably going to make more mistakes. That one person who knows every little detail about you, what you like, what you don’t like, what makes you tick. That person that you manage to piss off constantly, but somehow they never get tired of you. But most importantly, that person who knows how big of an emotional wreck you can be and how crazy you can be, but still somehow manages to stick around and stand by your side through thick and thin. That one person who can make you laugh when all you want to do is break down and cry.
Its one of those days that makes me question everything in life, whether it’s worth it or not. After losing so many friends, having them turn out to be the way they are makes me wonder if it is worth trusting anyone. What is the point in trusting if all that has ever happened is that it is been shattered over and over again? Makes me wonder where I went wrong, especially with letting a relationship ruin my school work and grades. Letting a relationship ruin me, who I was as a person, my self esteem, my happiness. How did I let it shatter me and destroy me so much that I feel completely lost, unable to find myself as much as I want to be able to go back to being that person that I used to be? That person who was so damn strong and didn’t let anything break me. I’m SOOO scared that I’m so broken that I might never be able to be fixed because I don’t want to be like this, I FUCKING WANT TO BE HAPPY. Wondering what I did so wrong and what is wrong with me that both of my exes decided that it is okay to hit me and cheat on me. But, at the end of the day, I am still a hopeless romantic and somehow still have hope that there is someone out there for everybody, and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I might find that person too. Maybe soon, maybe never, let’s see.
"if you consider a woman
less pure after you’ve touched her
maybe you should take a look at your hands"
I will never not reblog this
ever wonder how different your life would be if that one thing never happened
More people are concerned with why women stay in abusive relationships than why men are abusing women